Post by Rose Weasley on Oct 25, 2010 23:03:36 GMT -5
September 2nd, 2022
I'd say "Dear Diary" here, but I feel like that's something only a first year would actually say, so...here goes.
I am dating Allen Blackwell. I am in a relationship with Allen Blackwell. Estoy en una relación con Allen Blackwell. Je suis dans une relation avec Allen Blackwell. I think I could write that in every language ever invented, and it would still be this amazing shock to me. It's like I've been transplanted into a world created by my dreams, where I'm surrounded by my amazing friends, and I get to be the classic "girl who gets the guy"...and yes, I do have a fetish for watching bad muggle movies. But I'm just so elated right now, and coming back to reality has become a non-option, honestly, I'd prefer to be up here in the clouds.
I still can't believe that he likes me, I still can't believe that we've liked each other for so long, and never really done anything about it--it makes me wonder what we missed all of these years. And that, oh great journal/diary/listener, is what scares and bothers me the most. He sang me a song (it was amazing--god, he has some amazing songwriting skills), and it was all about how I actually really hurt him by being a bit of a slut. As much as it killed me to lie to him, I told the first lie in our relationship--I hadn't been thinking of him when I dated all of them. And it's true, Allen's different, he holds the distinction of being the only one that I've ever actually liked. But when he was sitting there, pouring his soul out to me (whoa, that sounds intense), I actually had a bit of an epiphany.
I hate being alone.
So much that it terrifies me, actually. I cannot breathe when I'm not surrounded by people, or engaged in conversation, or apparently with my tongue down Allen's throat...which is already all that I'm hearing from the gossipers, how did word even spread that quickly? I don't like the idea that I could grow up and become a spinster, be alone somewhere with no friends and no husband, no children playing in the backyard. Supposedly, I'm meant for "bigger and better things", but I'm not my mother, so maybe I'm just meant to live an average and normal life. I'm not really that normal, I guess, considering I'm a witch, but still...I'm getting off topic. It's just that Allen, as usual, was right. We don't really know each other--but in a way, we're actually kind of the same person, just someone looking for happiness, someone who wants to be around someone, who doesn't want to feel ignored. I like him, I love being around him, I love the way I feel around him, but still, he scares me. He's an unknown, an unsolved math problem where there's no solution. I want to solve him, I want to know him, but at the same time, I'm afraid that by getting to know him like that, I'll become more attached then I already am, and before I know it...he'll say I'm clingy, or he'll get drunk and kiss someone else. I guess that makes me a bit possessive and territorial, but I feel like I could lose him at any minute, and that really makes me unhappy. I mean, I know we've been dating for all of seven hours, but in my mind, it's been practically forever and I just don't know what I would do if he cheated. I guess that's another epiphany for the books--wow, I'm on a roll here!
This is the only relationship that's ever meant anything to me, and that means that inevitably, both my drunken and sober selves will bow to his whim, if I don't stay strong. But around him, I can't control myself, and that can be good, because it makes me feel free and alive, but it seems like the negative side to that is something I have to look out for. But of course, it's exceedingly possible I'm overthinking this, we're just teenagers, two teenagers in lust trying to make our own luck. Whatever happens happens, but I'm really hoping it's good. I want this to be good, I want this to work, and either it will or it won't. That's where time comes in, with its power to rule us all.
I'm off to breakfast soon though, so I should put some makeup on or something.
Bye, whatever you are.
I'd say "Dear Diary" here, but I feel like that's something only a first year would actually say, so...here goes.
I am dating Allen Blackwell. I am in a relationship with Allen Blackwell. Estoy en una relación con Allen Blackwell. Je suis dans une relation avec Allen Blackwell. I think I could write that in every language ever invented, and it would still be this amazing shock to me. It's like I've been transplanted into a world created by my dreams, where I'm surrounded by my amazing friends, and I get to be the classic "girl who gets the guy"...and yes, I do have a fetish for watching bad muggle movies. But I'm just so elated right now, and coming back to reality has become a non-option, honestly, I'd prefer to be up here in the clouds.
I still can't believe that he likes me, I still can't believe that we've liked each other for so long, and never really done anything about it--it makes me wonder what we missed all of these years. And that, oh great journal/diary/listener, is what scares and bothers me the most. He sang me a song (it was amazing--god, he has some amazing songwriting skills), and it was all about how I actually really hurt him by being a bit of a slut. As much as it killed me to lie to him, I told the first lie in our relationship--I hadn't been thinking of him when I dated all of them. And it's true, Allen's different, he holds the distinction of being the only one that I've ever actually liked. But when he was sitting there, pouring his soul out to me (whoa, that sounds intense), I actually had a bit of an epiphany.
I hate being alone.
So much that it terrifies me, actually. I cannot breathe when I'm not surrounded by people, or engaged in conversation, or apparently with my tongue down Allen's throat...which is already all that I'm hearing from the gossipers, how did word even spread that quickly? I don't like the idea that I could grow up and become a spinster, be alone somewhere with no friends and no husband, no children playing in the backyard. Supposedly, I'm meant for "bigger and better things", but I'm not my mother, so maybe I'm just meant to live an average and normal life. I'm not really that normal, I guess, considering I'm a witch, but still...I'm getting off topic. It's just that Allen, as usual, was right. We don't really know each other--but in a way, we're actually kind of the same person, just someone looking for happiness, someone who wants to be around someone, who doesn't want to feel ignored. I like him, I love being around him, I love the way I feel around him, but still, he scares me. He's an unknown, an unsolved math problem where there's no solution. I want to solve him, I want to know him, but at the same time, I'm afraid that by getting to know him like that, I'll become more attached then I already am, and before I know it...he'll say I'm clingy, or he'll get drunk and kiss someone else. I guess that makes me a bit possessive and territorial, but I feel like I could lose him at any minute, and that really makes me unhappy. I mean, I know we've been dating for all of seven hours, but in my mind, it's been practically forever and I just don't know what I would do if he cheated. I guess that's another epiphany for the books--wow, I'm on a roll here!
This is the only relationship that's ever meant anything to me, and that means that inevitably, both my drunken and sober selves will bow to his whim, if I don't stay strong. But around him, I can't control myself, and that can be good, because it makes me feel free and alive, but it seems like the negative side to that is something I have to look out for. But of course, it's exceedingly possible I'm overthinking this, we're just teenagers, two teenagers in lust trying to make our own luck. Whatever happens happens, but I'm really hoping it's good. I want this to be good, I want this to work, and either it will or it won't. That's where time comes in, with its power to rule us all.
I'm off to breakfast soon though, so I should put some makeup on or something.
Bye, whatever you are.
