Post by Zoe Thompson on Nov 11, 2010 13:50:10 GMT -5
I have absolutely no idea why I'm writing this. Aren't 'diaries' or 'journals', etc. exclusively for simpering little girls who can't get anyone to listen to them ramble on and on about absolutely nothing? I mean, that's always been the impression I've been given...but whatever, I've already started writing, and I hate leaving things unfinished.
I shouldn't even /have/ this journal, but then again, it's got such a nice cover--it's this goldenrod color--and it seems like it would be a shame to leave something that I "borrowed" from a first year so empty and unloved. I'm sure she'll never figure out it was me who took it, and either way, it was dumb of whoever she was to leave an empty journal lying around in the Common Room. I've also put about a trillion hexes and charms on it, so if anyone who isn't me even touches it they're guaranteed at least two weeks in the Hospital Wing. Anyway, it's time to actually focus and write what needs to be written, I guess.
What the hell defines a 'tomboy'? I've always been called one but i still don't really understand what it means. I am a girl, after all, with girl emotions and all of that. I just happen to have guy friends and enjoy Quiddich. It's not like I am a guy, it's just that I love my guy friends, and they love me, so I get to be 'one of the guys'. Although come to think of it, I guess they all think of me as a guy, which might be my problem, especially with James. But before I get into that, I'm just going to finish my vent quickly. I put effort into looking good--maybe not as much as the other girls--but I do try, and I enjoy doing the whole 'flirty' thing, although I do generally avoid it, because doing it with all of my guy friends makes the whole situation exceedingly awkward. I mean, if I cut my hair short, stopped showering, and went through all the motions, I could pull off being a guy, but that's not what I want in the slightest.
I saw James for the first time this year, which is probably why I'm reflecting on my appearence so much. Of course, he didn't notice anything that I did--he probably assumed I came straight from the Pitch, as usual. But we were with Roxie & Ben in Potions, and he admitted that he kissed Gia last night at the Gryffindor party. Ben was already planning their wedding, and Roxie just looked like she was thinking about something else (I wonder what it was...maybe something to do with Jay? He came up in conversation, and those two definitely have an interesting relationship.), which left me sitting there, trying to figure out how to properly respond. James seemed sad, but I think that's because he didn't remember it happening, it was inevitable that the two would kiss eventually. He talks about her 120% of the time, and as much as I hate to admit it, they /do/ act a bit like they're married. I hate him so much for liking Gia more than me, but because I'm 'one of the guys', I'm not "allowed" to have a crush on him, it breaks the bro code that I somehow agreed to without even knowing it. The only thing I could do was offer to cheer him up with a Quiddich game, which inevitably, I will throw on purpose to cheer him up, and then he'll leave and go back to Gia, who will lace her skinny little arms around him and everything will be back to normal. Yes, I am a sore loser, but it's not fair. Besides being apparently irresistable, what the hell does she have that I don't? I guess it's all about the hairflip culture, being able to outflirt, outlast, and outplay.
Unless I awkwardly jump his bones during our game, which of course, will never happen, he'll never know that I like him. I guess it's a sign that I have to get over him, because I'm a player in a losing game, running out of lives left. Either way, I'm his friend, and since that's all he sees me as, I'm being selfish by expecting more than his friendship, hence why I challenged him to a cheer up game. I know it's important to be a good friend to him, and so I will put a smile on my face and hide my emotions, as always. He'll inevitably moan about how he's 'messed things up' with her, and I will smile and laugh, and tell him that she's already forgiven him, of course.
And I will not mean a word of it.
Not a word.
I hope she doesn't want to be around him anymore. Yes, that makes me a terrible person, I'll apologize for that in hell. But maybe it'll remind him that he does have another girl in his life who cares about him and would do anything for him.
That's it, I'm going to stop writing now. I don't want to reread this, I don't want to think any of this. I want this to all go away. But no matter how hard I try, it won't.
Shit.
I shouldn't even /have/ this journal, but then again, it's got such a nice cover--it's this goldenrod color--and it seems like it would be a shame to leave something that I "borrowed" from a first year so empty and unloved. I'm sure she'll never figure out it was me who took it, and either way, it was dumb of whoever she was to leave an empty journal lying around in the Common Room. I've also put about a trillion hexes and charms on it, so if anyone who isn't me even touches it they're guaranteed at least two weeks in the Hospital Wing. Anyway, it's time to actually focus and write what needs to be written, I guess.
What the hell defines a 'tomboy'? I've always been called one but i still don't really understand what it means. I am a girl, after all, with girl emotions and all of that. I just happen to have guy friends and enjoy Quiddich. It's not like I am a guy, it's just that I love my guy friends, and they love me, so I get to be 'one of the guys'. Although come to think of it, I guess they all think of me as a guy, which might be my problem, especially with James. But before I get into that, I'm just going to finish my vent quickly. I put effort into looking good--maybe not as much as the other girls--but I do try, and I enjoy doing the whole 'flirty' thing, although I do generally avoid it, because doing it with all of my guy friends makes the whole situation exceedingly awkward. I mean, if I cut my hair short, stopped showering, and went through all the motions, I could pull off being a guy, but that's not what I want in the slightest.
I saw James for the first time this year, which is probably why I'm reflecting on my appearence so much. Of course, he didn't notice anything that I did--he probably assumed I came straight from the Pitch, as usual. But we were with Roxie & Ben in Potions, and he admitted that he kissed Gia last night at the Gryffindor party. Ben was already planning their wedding, and Roxie just looked like she was thinking about something else (I wonder what it was...maybe something to do with Jay? He came up in conversation, and those two definitely have an interesting relationship.), which left me sitting there, trying to figure out how to properly respond. James seemed sad, but I think that's because he didn't remember it happening, it was inevitable that the two would kiss eventually. He talks about her 120% of the time, and as much as I hate to admit it, they /do/ act a bit like they're married. I hate him so much for liking Gia more than me, but because I'm 'one of the guys', I'm not "allowed" to have a crush on him, it breaks the bro code that I somehow agreed to without even knowing it. The only thing I could do was offer to cheer him up with a Quiddich game, which inevitably, I will throw on purpose to cheer him up, and then he'll leave and go back to Gia, who will lace her skinny little arms around him and everything will be back to normal. Yes, I am a sore loser, but it's not fair. Besides being apparently irresistable, what the hell does she have that I don't? I guess it's all about the hairflip culture, being able to outflirt, outlast, and outplay.
Unless I awkwardly jump his bones during our game, which of course, will never happen, he'll never know that I like him. I guess it's a sign that I have to get over him, because I'm a player in a losing game, running out of lives left. Either way, I'm his friend, and since that's all he sees me as, I'm being selfish by expecting more than his friendship, hence why I challenged him to a cheer up game. I know it's important to be a good friend to him, and so I will put a smile on my face and hide my emotions, as always. He'll inevitably moan about how he's 'messed things up' with her, and I will smile and laugh, and tell him that she's already forgiven him, of course.
And I will not mean a word of it.
Not a word.
I hope she doesn't want to be around him anymore. Yes, that makes me a terrible person, I'll apologize for that in hell. But maybe it'll remind him that he does have another girl in his life who cares about him and would do anything for him.
That's it, I'm going to stop writing now. I don't want to reread this, I don't want to think any of this. I want this to all go away. But no matter how hard I try, it won't.
Shit.
